This is it. The big moment, the reveal, the bit they were all really waiting for. It has to be smooth, it has to be sultry, it has to…what’s this? The hooks are stuck?! You fiddle and fiddle and aren’t coming loose, the time is passing, ah good, there’s one loose, oh no, its gone back on again, the audience is starting to mutter….
Been there? I have. And if its not a bra hook it’s a suspender clasp, a corset lace, a hook and eye stuck on a fishnet, hopping around the stage while trying to convince them that this is really part of the act…
The wonderful art of burlesque, all the more exciting because of all things that can go so terribly, mortifyingly, hilariously wrong. I present to you my top 5 burlesque horror moments so far, some are my own experiences, some have been generously supplied by others! Share the pain, people!
As seen above, this one is a common disaster- what is it with those damn things? Luckily, an amused glance or ten over the shoulder can convince the audience that you are fine with this, no problem at all, happens all the time. And don’t stop to wonder if their cheers when the bra finally gives in, are for your fabulous finale, or relief that the humiliation is finally over…
The skirt has dropped seductively to the stage floor, you turn to wink at the audience and…holy mole, its stuck to your heel! You try to turn this into a saucy kicking-away of the garment, but the skirt will not comply, and you are beginning to feel like a toddler running round stage with his pants round his ankles… Thank goodness for the cheeky cheesecake face, it can turn any burlesque bodge into a comedy moment!
Its all going well, everyone is enjoying the act, and then your track skips. Or even worse, horror of horrors, stops all together! What to do? Stare, all befuddled at the audience while they stare back? Shake your fist and hurl abuse at the dj? Run screaming from the stage? Hopefully, this is actually where you keep going, come hell or more high water, you look like you are enjoying it, you think its funny, bring it on etc! Then afterwards, sweet sweet wine can wash away the pain.
Nothing can be worse than giving it your all on a stage, only to be met by a sea of blank faces! As a fellow performer eloquently noted, “standing in front of strangers in your underwear while they stare at you in silence - people have nightmares about that”. This situation is the time to bring forth to your mind phrases such as “screw ‘em all, may you all go to hell” etc, and be grateful when what just became the longest five or six minutes in the history of man, are over. NB: see above about application of wine to emotional wounds….
This is my top bad thing that has happened at a gig. You turn up, invited, to an event that has shown burlesque acts before, you think it will all be fine…then you wait around all night, only to be told after one act that burlesque is not appropriate for the event, and no other performances can go ahead. And then you don’t get paid. What can you do in such circumstances? I say, accept their guilty offer of free drinks and order a really expensive cocktail or five! *Evil laughter*
This is only a sample of what can go wrong when you are on stage…but it is important to remember, after you have finished cringing, weeping, ranting about everything that went pear-shaped, all you can really do is laugh!
* Keep going, no matter what.
* Look like you are enjoying yourself, no matter what.
* Keep a cheeky cheesecake facial expression at the ready for emergencies.
* Practice, practice! Identify those things that might go wrong before
you go onstage!
* Expect the unexpected and be ready for it!
* If possible, plant friends and fellow performers in the audience to
cheer you on when things go wrong.
* Apply a sense of humour liberally to each and every situation!
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